my perception keeps getting worse and worse day by day. i feel/look like i'm gaining weight by the minute. and the extra 200 calorie snack that i ate today doesn't help that at all. i have to suck in my gut 24/7 to look at least half-way decent. and that's why people think i'm so skinny, because yeah. i can't wait to get this nose job over with, i'm going to be so happy once i get it done. and i need to start working out again. but i'm so lazy, and also i'm scared that i'll get attached to it and i wont be able to skip a day. this has become like a pattern, once school starts i relapse. and i can't afford it this time. my family can't afford it. i'm actually considering going back to bartow where there's less competition. and i should be over this, but i'm afraid of seeing mason again. oh god i just got a twisted feeling in my stomach, imagine how i'll feel if i do see him. i like jenkins though, and i don't want to leave. but i rly think it'll be best for me to attend either bartow, or florida virtual. and pcc isn't even an option.. i'm not that positively dedicated. i see rick tonight, and i'm going to tell him about the extra that i ate today, and possibly about how i'm planning on compensating for it tomorrow. idk, i'm afraid he'll mention it to my mom.

i'm not going to give myself away so easily now. and i started last night. that's a good thing, right?

i'm dreading school starting, but hey, at least i probably wont have to worry about finding a ride home since i'll have my mom's car to drive, heh. but i'm not ready for the competition i have to face. i'm rly not looking forward to having to make the decision of eating my lunch or not, when it's going to be so easy to throw it away, and in return lose a few pounds. god i hate my thighs so much, and my stomach. i hate my stomach even more. i feel like it's not proportionate with, say, my arms which are so boxy and annoying. i'm scared to start working out again because i know i'll become addicted and i wont know when to stop. i wont want to stop, is the thing.